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Writer's pictureMichael Tooker

Words Like Sandpaper

We all have rough edges. And because our edges are rough, they can sometimes rub people the wrong way. With our workplaces being a microcosm of humanity, visit just about any place of business, and you’ll find plenty of abrasive people. Most anywhere, you could find the needy, the narcissists, and the know-it-alls. If not them, look around, and you’ll see the safe, the simpletons, and the schmaltzy.

Hands sanding a piece of wood

Sadly, we humans have a knack for isolating scratchy traits in others and then fixating on them until they rub us raw like a bad chafe. Worse yet, we’re often guilty of lamenting and gossiping with others about “that thing” until it becomes the singular defining feature of someone else. Sometimes, it leads to good people being written off.


Someone wise once told me that peoples’ greatest strengths, played out to extremes, can become their greatest liability. All too often in the workplace, we skip the former and fixate on the latter. Meaning, we often overlook the brilliance in others to find something we dislike about them. Interestingly, that strength and liability often spring from the same well. What if instead of subconsciously asking ourselves, “What is it about this person that grates on me most,” we instead asked two different questions?


First Question: What is the brilliance in this person that could make me better at my job?

  • For example, take the annoying compliance officer who is seemingly always mired in the minutiae. Maybe that very person holds some critical knowledge you seem to be missing as you try and fail to fix a process you oversee that breaks down every 2-3 weeks – causing you both headache and embarrassment.

  • Or what about the colleague who is always talking and can’t seem to shut their mouth for even a single 30-minute meeting? Maybe that person is great at selling concepts and gaining consensus and could help promote that wonderful new program you’re struggling to get off the ground.


Second Question: Do I have any strengths I could apply to help bring out the best in this person?

  • That abrasive extrovert whose ready-fire-aim style seems to frequently leave them extricating their foot from their mouth. Maybe you could offer up your diplomatic prowess to help them learn to better read rooms and understand the office politics at play in your workplace.

  • That shy but talented new person who never seems to contribute in real-time to a conversation. Maybe you could use your positional power and facilitation skills to draw them into conversations, so their good ideas see the light of day.


Here’s my humble observation. For many, if you studied their every thought and word for an extended period, you’d discover they spend more time complaining about their colleagues than they do helping them. Ironically, our words become as rough and abrasive as the traits about which we’re complaining. Our words become like sandpaper.


Sandpaper grains vary for different uses. Some grains are used to make surfaces rough like needed when gluing things together. Other grains are used to hone and polish surfaces to a smooth finish. The words we choose to speak to (and about) people are like grains of sand. And like sand, they are small, but when put together they can be used to make things rough or smooth. Remember, you have your own rough edges just like everyone else. If you’re going to be sandpaper in your workplace, try to put yourself to use smoothing, versus roughening, the people around you.


Have you ever encountered a colleague that helped smooth over rough edges in you? If so, give a shoutout in the comment section and thank them for helping bring out a better version of you.


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